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2 years ago
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I understand completely that there is no going back from what just happened. I went too far. I have absolutely no excuse for my behaviour, you didn't deserve that. I can't say I know exactly what happened and if the conversation was available to me and I could look back now I'm more clearheaded I would be able to pinpoint everything. That shouldn't have to be the case, I shouldn't have got even close to the point I did. As you said about yourself last night, that was just not me. I saw red, completely overtaken by something I cannot explain. It wasn't okay and from the fucking deepest, bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. It took for you to say the thing you said and for the conversation to be over for me to snap out of it and that's evil, you're exactly right. 

I'm sorry for making you feel as though I hadn't been clear with you. I thought I had. I'd made the trip and it wasn't as a weapon. You saying that really got to me and I just flipped. I would like to take the time to attempt to explain myself. It's not to play victim or to put blame elsewhere. I take complete accountability for what I did here.   Although I should have explained myself much sooner than now, I did not because my head was not in the right place.  I'd driven there, as I said in the morning, to prove that I was serious, to show you I meant it, to show you I would be there, to be there waiting before you even got on the train. I had hoped that would be some form of reassurance, in a "hey, I'm here and I'm waiting" way. It was difficult, given the last two times I drove to the meeting point, it didn't happen but I knew I needed to regain your trust and so I put myself out there in hopes that would happen. I'm sorry I then used that against you when I was angry.  Just to reiterate, that is not meant to guilt trip you. I'm just explaining my thought process at the time.    I also thought that, putting my location on would further aid in that reassurance and so, when you kept asking me for reassurance I wasn't sure what else I could do, what you meant or what you needed. I was confused, I still am.

 I was on a total downward spiral of overthinking the worst of you and I got riled up to a point of no return. I would assume it's partly down to a lack of sleep, mixed with the bundle of things I was feeling but I also did feel a sense of betrayal and I was scared. I put up a guard with you that I have never done before and I tried to push you away to protect myself.  That was a horrible decision to have made. I am so deeply sorry for some of the things I said and the thoughts I put out there. They were unkind and unfair. They were also not deserved.  I took the defensive and It was wrong of me.  A part of me wonders if that fight was some kind of inevitable thing that would happen eventually to get those feelings out considering we were both mad at one another. I don't know that it's for definite and even if it's true, That doesn't make it okay. At all.   

I love you and I know you know that, you've felt it, you've seen it. I wish I could've handed my shitty little heart to you and it allow you to feel exactly what i feel. It's so real. So you can understand, I was asking for an extra few hours to finish off work that was tying me to Lincoln. You'd told me you'd had those days off and I was trying to find a quick solution to getting you back home - me leaving Lincoln and having the ability to stay with you indefinitely.  I should've been far less selfish and taken into consideration the anxiety you've been so open about. I allowed my excitement to take over and expected you to follow suit. When that didn't happen, I was offended and assumed you didn't trust me.  I knew that was already a factor and I should've thought it through. As much as it's a great thing to have allowed myself to be lead by excitement, it was wrong of me to leave you in the dark and not take a moment to pause and explain so that you could be a part of that excitement. 

What was happening, in real time was me rushing back home, to gather all the stuff I needed to hand over and sign off, then I was back in the car, driving, speaking to my bosses and colleagues and then driving again. There were several points I could and should've taken a moment to explain and not just said "wait, hold on" that was wrong of me and I am so sorry. you deserved better.     Because I didn't recognize that before now, I kind of felt then like you were being a buzzkill and purposely making it awkward. I am so sorry.  I can't clearly figure out what happened beyond that point so, somewhere around there, after my, probably terrible, explanation when I stopped in Newark everything went South.   I was feeling deflated, worrying, confused, scrambling to fix it and make it okay. What I shouldn't have been was mad at you, nor should I have talked to you the way I did. But I kept going, I kept driving, this was happening, no matter what. 

You had every right to feel the things you felt, I didn't do a good job in holding your hand like you asked me to and I probably did give you reason for doubt.but I couldn't and can't understand how me being here wasn't enough? With all of that happening, I just thought it best we did spend tonight calming down, with one another and refocusing on why we were doing what we were doing then come back to it, fresh and happy, in the morning.  I was afraid to say that, as I felt you would be unhappy with it, I should've been clear and potentially avoided what followed. i just wanted the excitement back and i was upset that i couldnt find it for us. i was torn with... the waiting til morning was letting us down but i felt like we needed the breather? i was also scared of the situation because it was the same one we were in before - overwhelmed with emotions, recognising the need for a break but an underlying stubbornness of wanting to ignore it and just go ahead. 
 I flipped the moment you said I was here as a weapon and I couldn't pull myself back. It hurt. Physically hit me right in the fucking gut. I'm sorry for the things I said from that point on, I didn't mean them, any of them, but that's no excuse for it. 

In the hopes and belief that you love me, in the knowing that the love you showed me these last few days was real and that I was wrong to think for even a moment that this was a trick.. I hope you'll still read this. I love you. I am sorry but I know that's not okay, that's not enough, there's nothing I could do now to fix this and you won't come back. I understand it's dead, well and truly over for you and I can't make this right but please, please find it in yourself to know that this was never my intention. I don't know if maybe this means we rushed it before we were ready to try it again after just reconnecting? I don't know, unlikely? i am sorry i was so selfish.  I have utterly adored you for as long as I can remember. i dont joke about putting rings on it and making babies for the sake of it. i made light of things that i wanted for our future. you've been so, so fucking real to me.  This feels like the closest we ever came, almost within reach. Fuck I was so excited for it and I feel absolutely torn to pieces.  although I can track what happened to a point, I don't know why or how we got here. I don't blame you.