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No.

I find solace in belonging to him, in finding the roots of my identity in him.

I am not humble, but I am young and crazy about God.

I FIND THAT THE ANSWERS TO ALL THE QUESTIONS OF LIFE ARE HIDDEN INSIDE ONE WORD: God.

I have tried and failed to define him. I try every day to hold onto what he is, something to anchor. I do not try intentionally anymore, parts of me that are unused to being free of instructions, they cannot survive without a mission, an action plan, I suffer for those parts, doing my best to release myself from any kind of grip whatsoever.

I am not whole or free. Infact, It feels a lot like the whole thing intensifies every day, like my struggles are met by resistance, because I always have questions. Every day I have questions.

I cannot stop them, It is impossible to quiet them down. I experience a lot of self-mockery every day, carrying this weight.

I sought Christ, most fruitfully. Fitfully at first, then I found peace, but I was given a new challenge as I felt what was like a mind-body separation.

Strangely, Christ decoupled me from the religion of Christianity, reattaching me to myself. Then he showed me the kids. They champion my healing. The word is indeed sweet, it is spirit after all. But Christ most dramatically showed me that the word is the word, and it resides within each and every one of us, not inside any book or journal. The books were mere tools.

My new freedom was strange. I didn't just fall into it. I had to explore it gradually. Careful examination of my beliefs and practices had me tailoring it down to what nourished me, cutting off the excesses. Then one day I realized spirit was. Muslim or Christian, spirit was one. Then I went to a mosque and enquired to join them I just wanted to be a part of their evening prayers, to make new friends, new connections, but then I realized I always wanted to learn the Aramaic scripts and the Arabic language too.

Even after telling him that I'd still go to church after this, and that I didn't think the Christians were wrong about God, nor did I reject them. I simply wanted to learn the ways of Islam.
he still made me swear that there was no other God but Allah.
I didn't mind this.

Now I'm haunted by fears, maybe that I'd get killed or lose my arm for becoming Muslim. Yet, all the Muslims I've met have expressed true joy whenever I've come amongst them. I prayed with them, ate with them, talked with them. I was given cash gifts, and many other things by them, and they kept trying to make me feel comfortable.

Now, religion is only a label. When I get asked questions like "Are you not a Christian?" I don't know how to answer properly. On the one hand, it feels as though a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders, as though I was carrying the entire weight of Christianity on my shoulders. Now I can be as I am, without needing to fulfill any righteousness. Truth being that no amount of preaching could honestly bring about a true revolution within a person if they didn't themselves want to see themselves.

Fear keeps our demons at bay for the whole world to maintain a semblance of order, and our kindness and humility is often fake or for show, and this is the hardest thing to admit. Imagine a free world, where the repercussions of our actions didn't matter one bit, we would be who we truly were, and 99% of the things that we held onto would fall apart because we suddenly had no obligation to act "right".
A whole being is not a person of privilege or mercy, they simply don't know how to exist, so they exist how they like.

So wagwan with humility and love and kindness? Where does it come into play. I think that these are just words for the same thing. The charter that Islam and Christianity and many other religions hold at their base is the same, outside all the extra rituals.

I cannot give it words, but I can work at it from the opposite end. How would you act if you had no obligation to be kind or merciful?
How do babies act? They don't have any obligations to anything whatsoever. Well, there is wonder, and fascination, and unpredictability, and play. No holding back. They just go crazy being themselves, breaking all the locks as they please, doing or saying anything they want.

The Bible wasn't meant for them. Neither was the Qur'an.

When you remember that you are going to die someday, you set about trying to make your life worth it, trying to secure a future for yourself, for your children. Work at the tiller for hours on end. Spend time tapping emails away at your customers and bosses. You don't like these things but you do them because it could be worse. You could be living in a box outside, you could be begging for food every day. Your time and space is invested in your job. Your box yourself in, and your smiles become expensive. Chase after things, until you lose your sense of happiness or joy. No peace, you must buy it. You pretend everywhere you go. It is the cost of living in the world.

Or, instead, you disconnect and just exist, looking for a nexus that your mind can cut across properly and your heart will follow suit. Your time is not pent complaining about the quality of your life. Your time is spent in enjoyment of life. Difficulty brings interest, not squeamishness or fear. Your energy meets challenges head on, not hide and bargain for its survival. It's not a zero sum game, people do not have to loose for others to feel like they have won.

There is life.

Religion is a hospital for the ill mentally.

This is the hardest thing to see. It doesn't have to be so. We could be going to church to celebrate life, but we go to God with our problems.

I wonder what I'd rather do man, take all my best fruits to God, all my achievements and successes, or take all my worries to God.

I know my answer, what's yours?