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To look for the truth is an important way of wasting your own time. In the flux of infinite possibilities, you either follow your energies where it takes you, or you stand and seek.
To seek is to see your energy flow somewhere wholly, and to not go there for fear that it might be wrong, that it might be tiring, that you might hate it, that it might not present the perfect future you seek, that it might take away from you, i.e. your social or financial status, etc.

This work that I do, It hurts me, it hurts my mind. It hurts my brain… It cuts me into a million pieces. There is no justification for it, but there is a story.
Once I was torn away from the thing that anchored me greatly, once I was separated from myself, half by my own will, life took care of the rest. The question that led to this was simple - what is this shit deal of a reality?
Where is the fun?

The strangest thing, when I started to pray, when I started to seek God's face, I wasn't asking for money, or powers, or a good life. I wanted the magic of reality. I wanted a reality without boundaries. I wanted life to be interesting. That started all the madness.
What was the point of living life without love in it? Where I was constantly doing things I did simply because I was scared of the consequences of not doing them.
I wanted to live a life that was worth it.

That started me down a rabbit hole, with the bad dreams, the nightmares, the games, the illusions, the fears etc. It then started to feel like I was describing God by myself. It started to feel like I was creating an Idol, and I poured all my emotions into it, I poured all my love, all my fears, all my tears into it, I cried into it every night, I praised it every morning. The thing with this idol was, it was perfect, and perfect means perfection in every way. God could not be faulted for anything, God could not be attacked by guilt, God could not be hated on, he didn't generate evil.
Infact, how I've created or understood God so far is simple, the wildest imagination possible, God sat outside it.

I would never arrive - i.e. get to the perfect implementation of who he was. 

I needed it too. Man, the things I saw, the craziness, the hate, the stories I listened to, the fears. Sometimes when I unfolded, all my greatest fears came alive. I spent so much time reading the bible, blocking myself away from all those fears that activated themselves in my head.. I spent so much time being scared.
I eventually found a way to nourish, waking up and taking long walks seemed to relieve me of the stress, but even in that, the disturbance was too great. I needed God. I always needed to believe in God.

So, in this sense, does God exist?

This God was not exactly the one I was taught to worship as a child, even though they shared similarities everyday.
This God was a gentle father and a hard, practical teacher. He drove me very hard, out of my senses, but there was one principle he was trying to teach me.

The ever elusive surrender.

It is very difficult to surrender. Even if you tell yourself a hundred times not to resist, you cannot possibly surrender if you do not feel a total safety, or at least a total helplessness.

When you feel like there is something to be done in your moments of fear, then you will use that as a way of escape, as a movement away from what is real. It becomes a tool for ignorance, a tool for avoiding intelligence, for avoiding reality.

So then, will I forgo this tool I have created, this Idol, since I see that it deceives me?

Why did I create it in the first place?

I needed a way of dealing with reality. That is the truth. I needed to believe in something other than myself, since I believed that I wasn't enough.

Why wasn't I enough? That's simple. I simply do not have the software to deal with infinity. 
In fact, I do not think anybody can have the software to deal with infinity. I do not think anyone can decide what infinity is or call it by name, so when I'm faced with a struggle that nearly takes me out, I do not fashion myself after a God, choosing to take pride in myself as a problem solver… The loopholes are too great.  I have to place my insurance, my hope, on something not just greater than me, but on something that holds me, that anchors me safely. I have to believe in the most perfect kind of love as a measure of his love for me, which often means having to draw it, paint it if I have to, imagine the perfect nature of it, the infinite space.

The biggest ask is, why does he let me go through everything I've gone through. Why does he not speak magic words and soon enough I am fully protected, fully safe?

Imagine a child, starts not being able to sit down on their own ass, the utter helplessness. The mother is so essential that she is basically a life support system for the child. She nurtures him to health, guiding his ways from old, training him. She does not know what his future will hold, but she is giddy with happiness at the prospect of seeing her child grow into something wonderful, something she does not know.

But, not so fast. The child's development is slow and arduous. They must be exposed to the idea of sitting down, and fall over many times, they must be left on their knees, to crawl.. and sometimes they injure. Soon she is sending him out on errands, she worries so much that her heart pounds on the first day that she sends him out on his own, but she knows. If he is to grow, to be, he must face the real world, and sometimes alone.

To stand is never the result of many mollycoddlings. To stand on one's own, not just in the things of the life of a young adult, moving in to live on his own, that already has grooves and patterns and programs he can follow. It can be challenging to go through by oneself, but it is not the unknown.
The unknown is to stand and find out what is real by ones' self, to truly be alone in one's own mind, so that in the great homework of life, one cannot possibly think to look at another's answer sheet, for the questions are not in the same language.

The mother has brought the child to life, nurturing him and guiding him, and she has told him what is real and what he is meant to become, for the fulfilment of his destiny… but he is growing when he pulls himself out of her grasp, not forcefully, as with one seeking escape, but in a motion that speaks of the inevitable, which can only come through understanding.

A God, whether I create him by myself, or he inspires my creation of me by himself, will always be tailored according to the needs of one who calls him God. God will always be about what you need from a God.
We always need things, 99% of them is to safeguard the future with. God exists for us as a way to secure time, to control the universe. God is a tool to push into possibilities without fear.
God is a mind control mechanism.

Unless.., the man for whom God is an ever loving mother, ever caring, ever supportive of her son. Not preventing him from growing but silently supporting him.
Unless The man whom God is a father, always ready with the truth, to guide, to support, to help, to heal, but even this is not enough.

I recently got into an argument in a bus ride home from work. I was describing God to a colleague, a bible teacher too, when I told them that God was perfect. Then they said it couldn't be. God couldn't be perfect, he was a jealous God after all. This was in the Bible.

I didn't understand this. Maybe I was looking for perfect, and perhaps that was wrong, but the truth was simple, God simply had to be perfect. It couldn't be otherwise or there would be someone that created him, there would be something other than him which was greater. Every space in infinity that God doesn't already fill is a way for him to be less than great, and for another to be greater than him. That would be unacceptable now, wouldn't it?

God represents the path a man takes out of the arms of his parents, his friends and the protective bubble society forms around him, a way out of the safe roles he plays in the society, a way out of his identity and the hard shell it forms around him.

God is the assurance that there is no assurance, and the place man goes into when he needs an anchor, a reminder. You have nothing lost. You came as dust, you will go back to dust.
Go and see what's real in the universe. Break a leg if you must.

See if you won't survive on your own. See if God hasn't given you the ability to thrive in any clime, and still enjoy your freedom, still enjoy your time.

Maybe the boy will be a man, not scared of his own possibilities and hiding in the truth. Maybe you will stop hiding under the label of Jesus Christ, suffering every day for the promise of things to come. Maybe you will learn to swallow bible and act it out performatively, rather than root yourself in place in it, hoping for safety and finding none.

But maybe you will find what you're looking for, a magical universe of light and color, of a rich sense of aliveness that penetrates the skull, reflecting directly on the heart, of a peace that passes all understanding.
Maybe one day you will become a force of Good, a light of this universe, a health and life generator, leading loved ones and strangers out of the dark alleyways and corners of their minds, teaching to liberate and not to imprison.
Maybe It will be crazy magical, where all dissonance dissolves at your gaze, where you will have a calm that penetrates, an walking ASMR generator, a person of infinite flow.
Maybe one day you will relax and let God take control, rather than trying to please God by showing yourself approved by him in the knowledge of the things of God  according to the world, but by letting him lead.
Maybe you will one day use God to show love to your fellow man, not generating an impossible ideal and fashioning yourself after it, and asking God to prove to you that he exists by fitting into your definition.

Who we are is as a result of the thing that we have faced in this world, and so nobody is perfect.

Let man live.