breakup lol

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No, I haven't put any more thought into it, because I'd already made up my mind. From the day I broke up with you, I knew I never wanted to talk to you again. I really am sorry for insinuating otherwise, but you put me in a highly awkward position where I felt obligated to tell you things I didn't mean. You had nobody else in your life but me at the time, and I genuinely worried that if I had gone completely no-contact you would've taken your own life. However, you seem to be doing okay without me, so I know you'll be fine going forward. Additionally, I'm sorry for not giving you an accurate reason for breaking up with you. I was, and am, perfectly ready for relationships, but with the state you were in I felt a need to severely downplay the reasons why I did what I did. What follows will come across as very harsh, however know that I'm only doing this so you can fix yourself for your next relationship. Everyone deserves happiness and stability in a relationship, and you are no exception.

To put it shortly, I grew bored of your company, we weren't sexually compatible, and you were overly obsessed with me. However, instead of allowing me to talk about these feelings, you would emotionally blackmail me into shutting up and pretending to be perfectly happy with our relationship, trapping me for months into talking to someone whose company I grew to not enjoy. I found many of your behaviours manipulative, irritating, and overall strange, in addition to the fact that we were always fundamentally different people that prioritise different things in relationships - it just took a while for me to realise this.

-I found it extremely difficult to maintain a conversation with you, which is something I think is very important in any sort of relationship, much less a romantic one. This became especially apparent in the latter half of our relationship when we'd just be sitting in a Discord call and most of our interactions consisted of you making silly noises or going 'I love youuu'. What am I meant to do with that? I can only say 'I love you too' so many times before I start getting bored of talking to you and stop meaning it.

-I caught you in a LOT of lies. Never anything major, just small things like 'you never talked to me about this thing before' when I know for sure I did. However, because I wished to keep the peace I just put it down to my memory, which I now realise is probably exactly what you wanted me to do. You made me feel as if I couldn't trust my own memories - that's pretty much textbook gaslighting. As much as I hate to admit this, your constant dishonesty makes me question just how much of what you've told me about your past is true, and I have no doubt that when you tell your new friends about this you'll twist the situation so that it makes you out to be the victim.

-Not only were you inaccurate about your sexuality, you continued to be vague and confusing about it. Days after getting together (I should've brought it up before officialising anything, which was my fault) if you were asexual, to which you replied no. Months later, you come out as asexual, but continued to perform sexual acts with me whilst still saying you were ace.

-Speaking of sex, I found it deeply discomforting that your kinks heavily involve rape play, more specifically when you implied it was the only way you could fully enjoy sex. I didn't particularly enjoy playing the part of the hypnotist that took advantage of someone unable to do anything. Yes, I'm aware you could've snapped out of the trance at any time, but it just felt a bit weird having to do it just for you to enjoy being physical with me. Whether this is a me issue or a you issue I don't know, but regardless it highlighted that, at least sexually, we were not compatible. To put it simply, I wasn't kinky enough for you.

-I cannot recall a time you ever initiated sexual activity, it was always me. This lead to many situations where you'd carry these acts out because you felt a need to appease me, which you yourself admitted. I'd rather take a couple seconds of rejection than feeling like a rapist and a horrible person for simply having a sex drive

-You openly admitted to having a crush on someone in your class while we were together. Regardless of how true it may have been, why would you ever admit something like that? It serves nothing other than to make your partner feel extremely insecure in themself and resentful of not only you but now a potential threat to your relationship. But as always, you started crying, so I had to pretend like I was okay with what you told me.

-I found the age regression weird and off putting. I apologise for not properly communicating that, but let's not kid ourselves, you probably would've started crying and made me feel shitty for disparaging a coping mechanism for your trauma.

-We would always talk about going out places, but how many times did we actually go out over the year we were together? Five? After we broke up you made a big point about wanting to take me out to all these places, but why didn't you when we were together?

-On the night of my grandfather's death, when I explicitly said I wanted to be left alone that day, you message me in the middle of a breakdown because you got a reminder your ex existed. I had to put my own feelings on hold to baby you because you forgot to block your rapist ex. Actually, as I'm typing this I realise that you were weirdly hesitant to block them despite their horrific treatment of you. I noticed many times you had failed to block your ex on Discord or TikTok or whatever, yet you failed to block them even after I told you to. It was only the night you had that breakdown you actually blocked them if I recall correctly.

-From even well before we started dating, you fed into my hatred of my old friends by always shit talking them. This wouldn't be bad in and of itself, but I've spoken to them and some of the things you've said about them have just been lies, or at least embellishments. To be frank, I've known them longer and they haven't done all the shit I've already listed, so I'm more inclined to believe their side of the story. When I did finally let go of my hatred and reconnect with them, you were messaging me the entire night with inane questions and begging me to stay with you and not leave you. I could tell from your spelling errors that you were genuinely crying over this, which is utterly ridiculous. Your obsessive behaviours were highly off-putting and had I seen your messages it would've put a dampener on the whole night, as I would've felt too guilty to enjoy myself.

-Every single time I even slightly hinted at the tiniest bit of dissatisfaction or boredom or whatever negative emotion I felt towards you, you'd immediately start crying which would always make me backtrack and downplay what I said, leaving major flaws in our relationship unresolved. You claim we could've talked through it, but I tried so many times to do exactly that and you shut down every single attempt. The major example that comes to mind was when you were just sat on your phone not talking to me and I'd asked you 'hey you've been on your phone a lot lately, what's up with that?' - obviously, it tied into a larger issue I had with you, that being your lack of communication, but at its core it was just a simple question. You responded by breaking down in a fit of hysterics and telling me about your experience almost killing yourself the previous night, but the only thing stopping you from doing it was thinking of me. That's a massive overreaction, no matter which way you look at it. Additionally, this was during the time we had started drifting apart, so I imagine you were trying desperately to get me to stay by appealing to my history regarding suicide and guilt. I'll admit that I'd have left you a lot sooner had you never said that, so you got your wish of delaying the inevitable.

Your behaviour after the relationship ended only reinforced the idea that you were a highly manipulative person. In the days after breaking up with you, you were constantly messaging me despite me requesting numerous times not to, which is an outright violation of the boundaries I attempted to place - you even continue to violate them as early as the other day when you messaged me. You were constantly begging to talk to me and asking stupid questions such as 'can I still take you out even though we aren't dating?'. It felt very much as if you were attempting to emotionally blackmail me into taking you back. Last we spoke, about a month after breaking up with you, you texted me asking for a controller back because you were having a friend over. First of all, you GAVE - not lent - me that controller, so asking for it back is a bit of a dick move. Second of all, you were uncomfortable with your boyfriend of a couple months, friend of several months, and someone you've known for years, coming over, yet you're perfectly fine letting someone you've known for far less time come over. Why exactly is that? To be perfectly honest, I read that as you attempting to make me feel jealous, as you didn't need to specify anything, yet you felt as if you should've regardless. Also, why did I see you on Tinder less than a week after breaking up? For someone who claimed to be so in love with me and so heartbroken, you moved on very quickly.

And before you go assuming things, because I know you will, nobody influenced my thoughts, these were all conclusions I drew by myself without talking to anybody. Even as early as last year, I felt doubts regarding our relationship, but ignored it as I thought feeling a bit of apprehension was normal. I'd started considering splitting up with you around the first half of the year and by the time I started talking to people about how I felt I'd already made up my mind. I know what the timing makes this look like - I get my friends back and ditch you - but I can't do anything other than promise you that this isn't the case, and that I'm telling the truth. You can choose whether to believe me or not, I don't particularly care.

To answer your earlier question in greater detail, since breaking up with you I've been a lot happier, however last month I got blackout drunk and had a long-overdue mental breakdown over all the shit I've been through the past decade, including our relationship. For the first time in my life, for most of the month of November, I wanted to kill myself. I guess it was just all the feelings I've been suppressing for too long resurfacing all at once. That wasn't fun. However, as of the start of this month, I finally got on antidepressants, and since being on them I've felt amazing. My emotions are far less erratic, I finally feel normal instead of either weirdly happy or crushingly low all the time. I've been thinking clearer than I ever have, and fully believe that if I were to go back and redo my first year of Business I'd crush it. My brief gender dysphoria was most likely a side effect of my large list of mental health issues, as I haven't had any such thoughts since being on medication.

I hope this message has provided you with the closure you need to move on. I don't particularly care if you hate me and never want to talk to me again after this, as I'm unaffected regardless. Now for the final time, stop messaging me.
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