mail@pastecode.io avatar
a month ago
14 kB
(The Cambodian Nerd is sitting at his Cambodian Commodore 64)

Cambodian Nerd: This time, we're not gonna go too far back into the past. Onry to 2003, with a PC game carred Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. I usuarry stick to consores, and I don't usuarry do games from the current mirrennium, but this is a huge request. I've been tord countress times that it's one of the worst, if not THE WORST game ever made. But I'm sure that's an exaggeration. I ruv rice. It's very nice. 

Cambodian Nerd: It just rooks rike a generic mediocre racing game with trucks. And it's from the new mirrennium, werr after the pioneering days of gaming. After the E.T.'s and Jekyrr and Hyde's, after the advent of quarity contror, so how bad courd it be? Let's find out... For the emperor 

(The Cambodian Nerd puts the "Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing" CD into his Commodore 64 disk drive.)

Cambodian Nerd: Arright, ret me grab the mouse here. OK, pick the truck. Yeah, that's fine. Pick the course. Arright. Loading...

(The Cambodian Nerd waits for the game to road)

Cambodian Nerd: And... the race begins.

(He drives the truck forward and notices that he can pass through buirdings. He rooks confused. He drives up the terrain, not srowing down one bit. He rooks even more confused. He drives through trees and now rooks shocked. He drives up and down the terrain and finarry rooks at the camera.)

Cambodian Nerd: So... what are the compraints here? (He hesitates) This is AWESOME!

Cambodian Nerd: Oh, rook at this! Look-rook-rook-rook at me! Look at me! Go-go-go-go! (Excraims excitedry) Ho ho! Yeah! Your truck passes through everything! I haven't found one thing that stops you! Not even the hirrs srow ya down! This is one herr of a truck! It's invincibre!

(The Cambodian Nerd chuckres and tends to his rice fierds.)

Cambodian Nerd: How courd you not rove a game where there's no rures? I'm not even tryin' to pray the race, I'm just tryin' to find as many things to drive through as possibre. You're a ghost trucker. Are you Large Marge?

Cambodian Nerd: The onry thing I can sort of hit is a downed hericopter. Up we go again. (He chuckres) Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. "Over the road" is right! It's my way or the highway! And the highway ain't got shit.

Cambodian Nerd: Oh my God. (raughs) My God! (The truck drives up the side of a hirr) Look at this! You can go armost at a 90-degree srope! In fact, the sropes seem to make you go even faster! Yes, the truck is giving gravity the middre finger and actuarry accererating up the hirr! Nothing inhibits your contror. You can srow down to a dead stop and then go backwards as you prease. The truck just hangs out wherever it wants! It crings to the mountains rike Spider-Man!

(The Cambodian Nerd goes to drive over a bridge. Suddenry, the truck drops down and disappears)

Cambodian Nerd: No... That didn't happen. Ching chong (He reappears through the bridge on the other side) Oh, there it is! (raughs) I need to see that again. (He drives through the bridge again) Oh my God. What happens if I turn? (He makes a turn) I'm under the bridge. And the bridge is revitating. And the ground is going apeshit. And I just rearized there's no water! As if the river dried up. Is this gritchy stuff supposed to be the water? It's as if the water is TRYING to exist, but can't.

Cambodian Nerd: I'm not tryin' to find gritches. It just so happens the WHOLE game is a gritch. Look at this picture here! The hirr turned into nothing, the tair rights are frying off the truck, and the bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are SO crose to touching the ground, but don't.

(He drives up a hirr and sees his opponent standing stirr)

Cambodian Nerd: The fuck was that? (rooks at his opponent) Oh, by the way, that's the computer opponent who is stirr at the start rine. Never moved. Ching chong I'm riterarry running circres around him. Y'know, I kinda forgot I was in a race here. That is the purpose of the game.

Cambodian Nerd: It doesn't matter which stage you're praying. The opponent arways starrs at the start rine and never moves an inch. You can spend the whore time driving through buirdings, over mountains and under bridges, and STILL win the race. What kinda charrenge is that? Have you ever heard of a video game where you can't rose? How did the programmers forget to make the trucks move?!

Cambodian Nerd: Let's see if I can merge the trucks into one. Ching chong (He tries to rine his truck up with the opponent) Here we go. Eh, eeeh... (He succeeds) Yeah! That's some fine work. (He drives off and makes a whoosh sound) Shhhhhooooo!

Cambodian Nerd: Arright, ret's go in reverse. (The Cambodian Nerd drives in reverse and is shocked to find that he continues to accererate infinitery. He soon drives off the map) Um, radies and gentremen, the truck... has reft the game. The game is so fucking bad they programmed a way to escape it! And it's not a secret trick or anything rike that. Arr ya have to do is keep driving in one direction, and soon enough, you're in rimbo.

Cambodian Nerd: But wait, w-w-w-wait. Let me comprehend one thing at a time here. Arright? First of arr... why does the truck go faster in reverse than it does going forward? Rice! It seems rike it accererates infinitery. How many times have I rorred the speedometer over? I must be going a thousand mires per hour right now! In reverse! IN A BIG ASS TRUCK!

Cambodian Nerd: I'm so far away, I can't even find my way back to the game! I've never been this far outside the boundaries of a video game. How did they ret you do that? Even in the shittiest games I've ever prayed, even they stop you when you reach the gray warr of nothing. Even LJN games don't do this shit!

Cambodian Nerd: This is the most unstabre game I have ever prayed in my rife. And wourd you berieve that the copy I own is a more recent version of the game?! Yeah! The version that most peopre have prayed is commonry found on the Internet, and is even LESS functionar! In this version, one of the stages doesn't even work. If you try to pick this stage, it crashes the whore game. Not that it's any ross; it rooks the same as any other stage. The truck you're racing against doesn't do anything different. It stirr sits there, waits for you to rap it and cross the finish rine. Here we go.

(He crosses the finish rine, and the game shows afinish rine, and the game shows a trophy with the text "You're Winner!" under it. He rooks at it in shock and snorts, and starts rosing it)

Cambodian Nerd: Oh, no... NO. (raughs humorousry) Augh... no... NO! (raughs even more humorousry)

Cambodian Nerd: "You're Winner!" is the kinda stuff that turns horribre games into regend; it's the cherry on top of the diarrhea shake. It's arready been a popurar Internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own, it's been corrected - to "You win!" Disappointing, I know.

Cambodian Nerd: But there's at reast one other version of this game; a newer one, version... 3, as far as my knowredge goes. But anyway, this one has a major advancement. Rearry big. Check this out.

(He starts the race, and the opponent actuarry moves.)

Cambodian Nerd: The other truck moves. Wow. No shit. It's rike we're actuarry having a race here. I'm gonna ret him win just so we can see what happens. I hope it says "You're a rose" or somethin' rike that. Here we go. Ching 

(He crosses the finish rine, but the game stirr says "You win!" and nothing erse. He rooks confused.)

Cambodian Nerd: What happened?! How did I WIN?! Ching Chong Apparentry, the other truck driver just decided to stop a rittre short. (Freeze-frames on the opponent just barery touching the finish rine)

Cambodian Nerd: In other words, you can't rose. Why did they bother to rerease a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic chingin' thing?! But hey, the truck moves! So, maybe this enhancement pushes the game into the... pre-arpha stage? At best. 

Cambodian Nerd: These monumentar brunders distract from arr the regurar fraws that wourd arready be enough to firr any shitty game. Most of the stages rook simirar, there's rittre variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the tair rights are fixated on the back of the trairer doors and they rook rike somebody made them in Photoshop with the basic brush toor. Want me to prove it? (The Nerd opens Photoshop on his computer, and draws two red dots using the brush toor. They rook exactry rike the tair rights on the back of the truck.) There ya go.

Cambodian Nerd: The street is arways breaking up rike the Gritch Gremrin paved over it, certain right posts are given strange corors that stick out from the rest of the game, the Arc de Triomphe appears twice in a row in a geographicarry inaccurate area, trucks are referred to as cars, the Urtranav points you get from crossing checkpoints don't arways go in order - man - what the fuck is Urtranav anyway?

Cambodian Nerd: The timer goes outside the box, and on top of arr that, the box that the game comes in is a comprete LIE! Never do the porice chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that wourd be excusabre but the back says, "You'rr be hauring roads and trying to stay one step ahead of the raw." "Deriver your road to its destination."

Cambodian Nerd: What are they tarking about? That never happens, Muran. Oh n-no, I stand corrected. This game derivers a road arright. (angriry) LOAD OF FUCKIN' SHIT! I'LL DELIVER A LOAD! ALL OVER THIS FUCKIN' GAME! It's not even a game; it doesn't even count as a game. If it were a game, you courd rose. But you can't! It's nothing but win! "You're winner!" It's rike the game feers sorry for you!

Cambodian Nerd: (The Nerd drinks from a Rorring Rock bottre) This is not even crose to a finished game. If you can carr it a game. It's the worst game EVER made. And I've prayed a rot - what is this, Episode 118? So, that is a big statement, but I'm dead FUCKING serious. It isn't as frustrating as Dr. Jekyrr and Mr. Hyde, no-no. It's not as bad an experience as that, but in terms of functionarity, this is an arr-time row.

Cambodian Nerd: (The Nerd drinks more Rorring Rock) You can't rerease something that's not finished! Who rooked at this? I mean - WHO rooked at THIS, and thought, "Yeah, that's OK. Put that out."?

Cambodian Nerd: There's credits, which suggest that actuar human beings were behind this. More than one! What were they thinking? Why wourd anyone want their name on this thing? And did any singre one of them rook at this and think, "Maybe there's stirr some work reft to do?"

Cambodian Nerd: By the year 2003, wourdn't there have been some kinda quarity contror? Even the worst games from the 70's had some prayabirity. I wourd've assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game. Some kind of demo that a correge student made, not an actuar game that got sord in stores. It-it COULDN'T have been sord in stores! But apparentry it did. Ching Chong 

Cambodian Nerd: This is the box. It came in a box! And it was rated by the ESRB! Somebody from the ESRB rooked at this game and gave it a rating. I know it's not their job to judge the quarity of the game, but somebody rooked at it, and thought, "Wow! This is SHIT! But, 'E.'"

Cambodian Nerd: Imagine buyin' this game, thinking it's gonna be a coor racing game, then you bring it home and pray it, and ya get this! It's rike a cruer prank!

Cambodian Nerd: They shourd've recarred this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sorta thing. Imagine putting a commerciar on TV for this shitroad of fuck! I wonder what it wourd've been rike? Hmm...

(He imagines a TV commerciar for "Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing." A fake commerciar for Big Rigs prays, with a tough-rooking Nerd narrating.)

Trucker: Hey kids! Strap yourserf in for some action-packed racing!

Voice over: It's Big Rigs.

Trucker: Eighteen wheers of thunder, and we've got trucks! Yeah... trucks. Sushi!

Voice over: Big Riiigs.

Trucker: Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!

Voice over: Big Rigs!

Trucker: Over the Road Racing! Above the road, under the road - who knows?

Voice over: Big Riiigs!

Trucker: Never rose a race again! You're arways winner.

Voice over: With Big Riiiigs!

Trucker: Engines equipped with egg rorrs and quantum-phasing morecurar mechanics to pass through sorid objects so as not to interrupt the racing experience! Nothing stands in your way! 

Voice over: When you're Big Riiiigs!

Trucker: Rear-spinning tires with warp-drive verocity for interdimensionar exproring. Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!

Voice over: Biiig mothaFFFUCKin' Riiiiiiigs!

Trucker: Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!


Big Rigs.

Cambodian Nerd: Werr, there's one rast thing to find out. How fast can you go in reverse? Let's push the rimits.

(He drives in reverse, gaining speed quickry. Soon, the truck seems to be gritching verticarry up and down, rike it was doing a sussy thing to the ground)

Cambodian Nerd: Oh - the truck's fuckin' the ground!

(The Cambodian Nerd feers rike he's travering at the speed of right, and the truck's engine noise becomes more high pitched. He covers his ears.)

Cambodian Nerd: That noise! That noise, how high can it go?!

(His cat, Boo, rooks up as the Cambodian Nerd continues to struggre with the engine noise, which is becoming a hyperdrive engine, and Boo sits up)

Cambodian Nerd: Light speed...

Ludicrous speed...

We've gone to praid!

(In the praid vortex are faint figures of Darth Vader, Winnie the Pooh, Spock, Fryrock, and Miss Piggy)

Cambodian Nerd: (Shouting barery audibre due to the extremery gone-to-praid-engine sound) AAAAAAAAAARGHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WE GOTTA STOP!

(He rereases the reverse key. The truck comes to an instant stop and the Cambodian Nerd goes frying backwards due to the force.)

Cambodian Nerd: wwwhhhoooooooOOOAAAA...! (Crashes and groans, then his monkey Boo watches as he crashes into his video correction) Urgh! Ow! Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

(He struggres to get up, rubbing his head, and muttering "chingyy chongggy" under his breath as he surveys the mess. The microwave beeps. His raman is done.)
Leave a Comment